Intimacy is about being open and comfortable with your partner, so you’re not being afraid to be vulnerable. When it comes to your marriage, the term “intimacy” is more about being close to your partner. Some people love each other deeply, but they still have trouble connecting on an intimate level.
WHAT MEN AND WOMEN NEED TO KNOW ABOUT INTIMACY
WHAT MEN NEED TO KNOW
1. Intimacy in your marriage will suffer if you keep coming home late
2. Your wife doesn’t find you sexy because you buy her expensive gifts, she finds you sexy because of how you attend to her emotions
3. Your wife will struggle to give you her body if she suspects you are entertaining another woman/women. Faithfulness makes you sexy
4. Don’t avoid your wife the whole day then expect her to be turned on for you at night
5. Women make love with their emotions, for them, the feeling of being loved is important. If you hurt her, she won’t desire to make love
6. If she doesn’t feel ready to make love tonight, find out if there is an issue and address it. But if she is genuinely tired or not in the mood, it is not the end of the end of the world. How you treat her today, will determine how love making will be tomorrow
7. If you realize you are demanding conjugal rights, know that you are no longer having intimacy but sexual perversion and coercion. Intimacy is not demanded, intimacy is invited and mutually celebrated
8. Sometimes all she needs from you is not your penis, but your arms to hold and cuddle her
WHAT WOMEN NEED TO KNOW
1. Men find it easier to make love when there is peace. If you are not a peaceful woman, he won’t enjoy your body
2. It hurts a man when he is accused of cheating yet he is faithful. Such a man will struggle with intimacy with you because he feels hurt. Don’t accuse him falsely
3. A stressed man will struggle with his erection and sexuality because the penis is controlled by the mind. Attend to the matters disturbing him so that he doesn’t feel alone and he will find you sexy
4. Men struggle to kiss the lips of a wife that insults him, belittles him and orders him around
5. No matter how sexy your body is or how hot the lingerie you wear, a man is turned on most by your attitude
6. Men also love it when the wife makes sexual advances. Don’t be passive, letting him do all the work in bed. Take your husband out on dates, seduce him, flirt with him, show him that you find him sexy
7. Ego is important to a man when it comes to intimacy. Tell him how you enjoy making love with him and he will do it more. If you mock his penis or make him feel you did not enjoy or mock how quick he climaxed, he will feel bruised and withdraw
8. If issues are what are keeping you from desiring love making with your husband, voice them out, talk things out without delay. Don’t just be indifferent, cold and give him silent treatment. Being cold will push him away and he might form a negative opinion of you and the delicate fabric of your intimacy be ruined for a very long time
Every man needs to recognize the importance of emotional intimacy in his marriage. When emotional intimacy is lacking, a marriage can suffer. Maintaining emotional intimacy requires work and attention. Restoring emotional intimacy after it is lost can be a lot tougher than working hard to preserve it along the way.
Questions and Tips For Building Intimacy In Your Relationship
Defining Emotional Intimacy
Emotional intimacy is generally defined as a closeness in which both partners feel secure and loved and in which trust and communication abound. When you are emotionally intimate with your spouse, you feel as if you can see into the other’s soul, knowing their hopes, dreams, and fears and understanding them at a deep level. Relationships that lack emotional intimacy are often characterized by a lack of trust, poor communication, secrets, and hidden emotions.
Recognizing a Lack of Emotional Intimacy
Sometimes, couples don’t develop emotional intimacy in the first place or lose it after a while. Both partners have to work on maintaining and building intimacy. If you are an emotionally unavailable husband, you may have some of the traits of an emotionally unavailable man.
Often, couples don’t recognize the signs when emotional intimacy is lacking. For example, a woman may be blindsided when her husband announces that he wants to leave the marriage. Looking back more closely over the years of their marriage, she may recall times when there was an emotional distance between them.
How to Increase Intimacy in Your Marriage
If your marriage seems to be lacking in emotional intimacy, there are a number of things that you and your partner can do to strengthen and deepen emotional intimacy.
Silence the Electronics
Deep and meaningful emotional intimacy in a relationship depends on the quality of human interaction. Texting and emailing are important ways for you to get practical things done and to stay in touch when you are apart and too busy to talk.
Consider turning off the computer, television, video game console, cell phone, and tablet when you are together and spend some time talking, sharing, and looking each other in the eye. One tool that many successful couples use is silencing their cell phones and dropping them in a little basket or box by the door as they come home and agreeing to leave them off for at least an hour or two when they are together.
Electronic communication can be a barrier to real emotional intimacy. Work emails, social media, and entertainment can be never-ending and easily grow into distracting habits that interfere with your solid, human, one-on-one interaction.
Increase Your Time Spent Together
It can be hard to find time together as a couple. Having children in the home can often magnify that difficulty. One family therapist shared the idea of committing 30 minutes each evening to uninterrupted time with a spouse after the kids are in bed. Take care of tasks together, like dishes and grocery shopping, so that things can get done faster and you can spend more time together as partners. Similarly, having a cup of coffee together at a set time every weekend so that can help you feel relaxed and able to engage in good conversation.
A weekly date night, lunch together once or twice a week, or regular walks around your neighborhood can increase the time you spend together. Making time to focus on each other without the kids or other distractions is critical to maintaining emotional intimacy.
Be Emotionally Available for Your Spouse
After years together, couples inevitably learn what might hurt their partners. Kind and loving partners who avoid hurting each other help each other feel loved, valued, and safe. When we make the environment safe for our spouses, emotional intimacy finds its place.
Unfortunately, many people have experienced hostility from those who they trusted, felt unloved, or learned bad relationship habits. If you have a habit of belittling or emotionally attacking those who are close to you, these habits will sabotage intimacy, creating a wall in your marriage.
Read a Good Book Together
Reading a book together and discussing what you are reading can be a good vehicle for increasing emotional intimacy. There are some great books about strengthening marriage that you can read together, but you can also choose a novel, biography, or a book about a common interest. The fact that you are reading together and talking about what you read can strengthen the trust and communication aspects of emotional intimacy, giving you a chance to share your feelings and insights without judging each other.
Seek a Balance Between Self and the Couple
The strongest marriage relationships have two interdependent partners. Each one has rich hobbies, a professional life, or a social life, and they come together to invest in the marriage relationship. Too much togetherness can be a bad thing if it deprives the relationship of the energy and experiences that interdependence brings. So make sure to engage in some good self-care as a husband and father, and allow your spouse to do the same. And then come together as a secure and trusting couple.
Put Together a “Fun List”
Counselor Dr. Tony Ferretti recommends that couples assemble what a list of things that the couple enjoys doing together, and then carve out time to do the things on the fun list. Spending time in pursuits you enjoy together can build shared memories and experiences while strengthening emotional intimacy. Think about things you did when you were dating or newlyweds that made you enjoy time together, and consider putting them on your fun list. Explore activities that you have always wanted to try. Then make sure that you are doing something on the fun list on a regular basis.
Consider Marriage Enrichment Activities
Most communities, churches and civic organizations hold marriage enrichment classes or marriage retreats for couples. A lot of couples find that this kind of investment in their relationship pays big dividends.
Getting into a structured setting with other couples and a professional counselor or clergy can really help develop a deeper and stronger marriage relationship. This kind of focused commitment to improving emotional intimacy can be a big investment of time but may bring significant returns.
Get Help When You Need It
If you feel your emotional relationship heading downward, you may want to consider seeking help from a family therapist. You may have grown apart, hurt each other without meaning to, avoided intimacy for personal reasons, or become distracted by the demands of life. These problems can often be solved with dedication, time, and sincere attention.
The Payoff of Emotional Intimacy
Having strong emotional bonds in a marriage relationship is important and worth the effort. Taking some steps in the direction of strengthening emotional intimacy in marriage is a vital thing to do and demonstrates your commitment to a long, strong and happy marriage. And that strong marriage helps you be a better father and man, as well as being an amazing husband.
How Important Is Intimacy In Marriage?
Marriage can be a very satisfying experience when two people are on the same page. It can also be very difficult when you are having problems with your partner. You want to be able to make sure that your marriage is strong enough to stand the test of time. For your relationship to continue to flourish over the years, it’s important to be intimate with your partner regularly.
Before we begin, it’s important to know that intimacy and sex aren’t necessarily the same thing. Often, people wind up using these terms interchangeably, but this isn’t quite accurate. It’s possible to be intimate without being sexual. Conversely, you can have a great sexual relationship with your partner without being intimate.
Intimacy is about being open and comfortable with your partner, so you’re not being afraid to be vulnerable. When it comes to your marriage, the term “intimacy” is more about being close to your partner. Some people love each other deeply, but they still have trouble connecting on an intimate level. This may happen when one partner is shy or afraid to let others be close to them.
Three Important Elements of Intimacy
There are many aspects to intimacy, but the following are some of the most important. If you’re struggling with intimacy in your marriage, you can improve your relationship by focusing on these areas first.
1. Feeling Comfortable Around Your Partner No Matter What
If you want to be truly intimate with your spouse, then you need to be able to feel comfortable around them. If you’re afraid to be yourself, it will prevent you from deepening your connection. Most people are self-conscious about certain things. It’s perfectly normal to be afraid of how others perceive you, but if your marriage is strong enough, you can wind up feeling incredibly comfortable around your spouse.
If one partner has trouble feeling comfortable around the other, then this issue needs to be addressed. For example, people with anxiety problems and body image issues will sometimes have difficulty being comfortable with their spouses. A spouse can help their partner by being encouraging and expressing their love clearly. A professional can also help this partner learn to feel more comfortable in general.
2. Communication Matters
You want your marriage to feel like a true partnership. Therefore, it’s important to be there for your partner for both the good days and the tumultuous times. When you have a healthy level of intimacy with your partner, it’s easy to talk about these sensitive subjects. Although stereotypes suggest that only men have trouble communicating openly and honestly, this affects all genders.
Communication isn’t always easy. There are times when one person in the relationship may feel like they can’t communicate their feelings effectively. In fact, this is a common problem when two people with opposite personality types get married. If your partner is incredibly outgoing and boisterous, then your more subdued personality may have trouble keeping up from time to time. This can negatively impact intimacy and make you feel like you’re always a few steps behind your spouse.
In this situation, the spouse with the more outgoing personality needs to be understanding and try to meet their partner’s energy level. Learning to communicate and considering your partner’s comfort is a part of becoming more intimately connected. Some people need to seek out professional advice to learn how to communicate effectively, but it’s something you can improve over time.
3. Sex Is Also Important
Now that we have established that intimacy is about more than sex, we can address the elephant in the room. Yes, sex is very important when it comes to cultivating a healthy marriage. You don’t want your entire relationship to be predicated on sex, but it can help you to connect and deepen your bond with your spouse. Unsurprisingly, regular sex can help you feel happier and is an excellent way to show affection.
A healthy sex life can do wonders for a marriage. In most cases, having regular sex and continuing to please one another will lead to a better overall relationship. When both people in a marriage are sexually and emotionally satisfied, everything else tends to fall into place. Taking care of the kids, for example, seems a lot easier when you have special time with your spouse planned for the weekend.
Sex also helps with intimacy because it shows that you are still sexually attracted to your partner. Showing your spouse that you love them and that you desire them is great for your marriage. It will help you to stay together and work toward your common goals as a couple.
However, there are times when one or both people in marriage may have sexual problems. Sometimes your sex life may not be what you want it to be, and other times anxiety issues may prevent you from fully embracing sexual intimacy with your partner. In these situations, you need to try to fix the problems before they negatively impact your marriage.
How Can You Fix Intimacy Issues?
There are a few different ways to work on intimacy issues. First, talk to your spouse. Tell them how you feel and what you want. While it may be a hard conversation, it’s important that you’re both on the same page and willing to work on any issues you may have. It can also allow you to recognize areas where you can improve.
You may also want to try doing more things together. Plan a night out or go to a movie after work sometime. When you take the time to nurture your relationship instead of just going through the motions, things can change quickly. This may be even more important if you have been together for a while and need to spice things up.
If you want to do something a little more exciting, try something new together. Perhaps you have always wanted to skydive or go to a wine tasting; do that with your spouse. Show them how much fun you can still have together.
If these ideas do not help you get things back on track, then you may want to talk to a professional who has experience working with couples. A therapist will be able to see things from a different perspective and offer helpful advice. Their ability to analyze the situation from afar will be useful while you work on your relationship.
It can be tough to fix intimacy problems without professional assistance. It’s much more efficient to work with a couple’s therapist to solve these issues. When one person in a marriage has problems with intimacy, it can make the other feel inadequate. If both people have separate problems, then significant work needs to be done, but things can get better.
To get help with intimacy issues in your marriage, you can reach out to the licensed therapists at BetterHelp. These skilled therapists can chat with you about your problems through a variety of channels. Signing up is easy, so consider reaching out today. Below are reviews from BetterHelp counselors from people experiencing similar issues.
How Can I Improve Intimacy in My Marriage?
It has become too common a refrain: There isn’t enough time. This is the excuse put forth by so many couples that I speak to in workshops and in my office.
Wives and husbands are pleading that they are so overwhelmed with the demands of work and children that they simply can’t create any space to share intimate moments with their partner. The result is often an increasing sense of disconnection that gets expressed as problems with communication, disagreements over finances, parenting conflicts, or insufficient sex.
But the latter are typically symptoms, not causes.
By improving the sense of connection, feelings of trust and mutual respect typically increase. Once those cornerstones are in place, it’s remarkable how much easier it becomes to resolve conflicts of any nature. In Wallerstein and Blakeslee’s wonderful book, “The Good Marriage” (1995), they note “For everyone [in their research group], happiness in a marriage meant feeling respected and cherished.” Gets right to the heart of the matter (pun intended)!
In trying to help couples reverse this downward spiral, I start by reminding them that if they constantly put their marriage at the end of their “To Do” lists, assuming that there will always be another day to attend to their spouses’ needs, one day they will be shocked to discover that there are no more days.
One of them will be saying “I don’t love you anymore and I want out.” This means that couples must truly make their marriage a priority, not simply in words or feelings, but in deeds. In today’s world of PDAs, Blackberrys, and other forms of keeping schedules, this means actually scheduling time for the marriage rather than expecting time shared will just happen.
My second key point, for couples who have children, is that the most important gift they can give their children is a healthy marriage. When marriages are working well, families function better. Children will not only find that their lives run more smoothly because their parents are in sync but research shows they will have fewer medical problems, presumably because there is less chronic stress in the home. An added benefit is that a good marriage models for children what they need to learn for the day when they are married.
Since a healthy marriage is such an important gift for your children, parents need to feel comfortable with the idea of taking some of the excess time currently devoted to parenting and investing it in the marriage. (“Excess time” is the fallout from parents trying too hard to create “perfect children” when children really need only “good enough” parenting, an issue covered in many of my previous articles.)
With these key points in mind, let us look at some strategies to create a more intimate and rewarding marriage:
Try to follow this prescription:
- Schedule 15-20 minutes of uninterrupted conversation each day
- Schedule at least one long conversation (1 to 1 1/2 hrs.) each week
- Schedule at least one overnight just for yourselves every 2 months
- Schedule at least two weekends just for yourselves each year
This may take some creativity. It also takes a mutual commitment. But the payoff is enormous.
To make the daily/weekly conversations happen requires some joint planning time. Get out your calendars, look at the week ahead and figure out when you can make time for each other. Don’t limit yourselves to evenings (usually the worst times for parents to try and talk without interruption or, worse, just when you are starting to crash). Depending upon ages of children and job demands, some couples are able to arrange breakfast alone for daily conversations or a lunch as a chance for a long conversation.